OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
