Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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