all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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