I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
