Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
