Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
we're so committed to being not committed
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
