I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
