Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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