What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
