Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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