He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
