Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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