If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
