happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
sex in a hospital.. check
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
