He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Randomize
