Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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