thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
