Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
