I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
