you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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