Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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