a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
