I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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