I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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