The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
