I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
