Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
