so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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