You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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