I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
