Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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