If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
