I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize