I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
