Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
