First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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