Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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