Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he puts the penis in happiness.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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