Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
