I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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