How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
