update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
