I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
