I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize