My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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