I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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