So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
