He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
