I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize