Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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