wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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