sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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