I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
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