I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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