MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
