Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
