I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
