Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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