Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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