As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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