I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
